it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
