Just fell off a train. Bad.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
