i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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