a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
