and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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