Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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