p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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