Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Mom said you looked used
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I AM VODKA MAN
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
