Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
