remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
