I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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