I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
