he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Michael Bay diarrhea
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
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Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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