I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
