She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
