people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
