I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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