Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize