Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
