you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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