her vagine was all disorganized.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
