i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
