bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
