Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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