yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
