Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
