I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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