Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
