He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
