i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
