I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
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the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
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Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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