please come you make the beer taste better
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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