my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
