I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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