Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
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There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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