I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday