I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have tasted many bathrooms
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
