I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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