Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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