My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview