Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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