pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
