you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
