A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
