Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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