I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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