my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
