I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
