glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
