Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
