How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
