He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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