Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
