I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
