If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I understand Curling. That high.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
